08/28/2007: "Guilty but, uh, not really"
It's difficult to write this. I mean, it hard to hit the keys when your eyes are streaming with tears from laughing at the antic squirming of Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. I know our politicians are routinely embarrassing, but this clown (and CLOWN he most assuredly is, judging from how he can make me laugh!) really wins first prize for asshole of the year amid some pretty heavy competition.
You know the story. It's been all over the TV news. Let's review:
He was busted in the Minneapolis airport for cruising an undercover cop in the bathroom stall next to him. When the cop arrests him, he whips out... er, his business card identifying him as a U.S. Senator and says, "What do you think of that?" The cop says, "Show me your driver's license." Craig gets handcuffed, photographed, fingerprinted, and booked for lewd conduct. Later, he pleads guilty to a misdemeanor, signs a guilty plea agreement, and pays a $500 fine. Now he says it was all a mistake.
Apparently, he is copying Paris Hilton: I did it, but I didn't do it, and even if I did it, it wasn't my fault. Honest.
Today he held a news conference that looked like a Saturday Night Live skit. He apologized to everyone and his dog for his error in judgement--are you ready?--FOR PLEADING GUILTY TO SOMETHING HE DIDN'T DO! He copped a plea, he says, because he was stressed out and hoped it would go away.
Allow me to translate: he was hoping to cover the whole mess up. After all he was implicated, but never investigated, in the Congressional page scandal, in which certain members of our august legislature were diddling young boys sent to work as slaves of the legislative branch. He also wrapped himself in the flag, God, and family values, and led the fight for Bill Clinton's impeachment for lying about a blowjob.
The one good thing to come out of his press conference is that Senator Craig vociferously denied that he is, or ever was, gay.
A giant sigh of relief was just uttered by the gay community worldwide. Not they, not the Republicans, not even the sanctimonious, hypocritical empty heads in the American Family Association want him.
Say goodbye to Senator Craig, everyone. He will probably not last the week.
