INSIDE/OUT

Guilty but, uh, not really

It's difficult to write this. I mean, it hard to hit the keys when your eyes are streaming with tears from laughing at the antic squirming of Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. I know our politicians are routinely embarrassing, but this clown (and CLOWN he most assuredly is, judging from how he can make me laugh!) really wins first prize for asshole of the year amid some pretty heavy competition.

You know the story. It's been all over the TV news. Let's review:
He was busted in the Minneapolis airport for cruising an undercover cop in the bathroom stall next to him. When the cop arrests him, he whips out... er, his business card identifying him as a U.S. Senator and says, "What do you think of that?" The cop says, "Show me your driver's license." Craig gets handcuffed, photographed, fingerprinted, and booked for lewd conduct. Later, he pleads guilty to a misdemeanor, signs a guilty plea agreement, and pays a $500 fine. Now he says it was all a mistake.

Apparently, he is copying Paris Hilton: I did it, but I didn't do it, and even if I did it, it wasn't my fault. Honest.

Today he held a news conference that looked like a Saturday Night Live skit. He apologized to everyone and his dog for his error in judgement--are you ready?--FOR PLEADING GUILTY TO SOMETHING HE DIDN'T DO! He copped a plea, he says, because he was stressed out and hoped it would go away.

Allow me to translate: he was hoping to cover the whole mess up. After all he was implicated, but never investigated, in the Congressional page scandal, in which certain members of our august legislature were diddling young boys sent to work as slaves of the legislative branch. He also wrapped himself in the flag, God, and family values, and led the fight for Bill Clinton's impeachment for lying about a blowjob.

The one good thing to come out of his press conference is that Senator Craig vociferously denied that he is, or ever was, gay.

A giant sigh of relief was just uttered by the gay community worldwide. Not they, not the Republicans, not even the sanctimonious, hypocritical empty heads in the American Family Association want him.

Say goodbye to Senator Craig, everyone. He will probably not last the week.



Mamie on 08.28.07 @ 04:45 PM PST [link] [Comments]

Gone, Gone, Gonzo

When the scores are all settled up, say, sometime in the 22nd century, it will come as no surprise if Alberto Gonzales is written up by historians as one of the key figures in the destruction of the American constitution. There will likely be a great deal of rubble in that future time, washed by the newly risen waters of globally warmed glacial ice melts. But if historians can keep their heads above water and can stil breathe, smiling, cynical, unctuous Alberto's works will surely be recognized. As counsel to the Selected President, King George, Alberto diligently pursued the violation of the Geneva Accords by writing the legal opinions used by the war criminals occupying the White House to justify torture in the name of terrorism. (You can always tell those who are guilty of torture by their sanctimonious outrage and denials of torture.) Alberto did such a good job of convincing The Selected One that the Geneva Convention was irrelevant, that he was made Attorney General. And as the top prosecutor in the land, Alberto would continue to be a good political soldier by firing all federal prosecutors who did not toe the party line. He would make sure that only political enemies were prosecuted, and that political friends and contributors were given a free pass for their nefarious activities. And he would lead the charge to erase the words of the constitution that have to do with personal freedom and that silly, out-dated notion of habeas corpus, and do his very damnedest to justify keeping the George Weenie/Tricky Dick Cheney police state on full alert against its citizens.

On the occasion of Gonzales' resignation, George the Lesser said that Gonzales received "unfair treatment that has created harmful distraction at the Justice Department." Yes, having your crimes exposed and investigated by Congress is a bit of a distraction. Gonzales, though gone, will not be forgotten. I know it's a fantasy, but an indictment or two by a Congress suddenly finding its balls would be an even better distraction. The more likely scenario is a multi-million dollar book deal waiting in the wings so that Alberto can explain what a really patriotic American he was, and how it was just those danged political enemies of The First Half Wit that didn't like his style. (Never mind that Republicans and Democrats alike were howling for his head on a platter.)

Oh, and the rumor is that the new Attorney General could be Michael Chertoff of Homeland Security fame. Now, what could be better? I mean look what a fine job he did with Katrina relief in New Orleans.

Mamie on 08.27.07 @ 10:02 AM PST [link] [Comments]